Do What Connie Did

Today, my friend Connie was buried.  She did not die from an illness, she did not die from an auto accident; she died due to human error during a medical procedure—human error.  The misstep of a surgical instrument during a non-critical operation took my friend's life.  She should still be here.  But she isn't.

She left a message on her Facebook page, telling her family and friends that she loved them.  She posted that early in the morning before she left for the hospital.  Did she know, did she have a premonition, a doubt?  We will never know.

What she did do was to reinforce her feelings for those she loved, just in case.  I commend her for that.  She left no doubt, nothing unsaid, to those who would feel the pain of losing her.  It's something most people might not think about or might not do.  Her love for her family and friends was so intense that one of the last things she did was reassure everyone that they were loved.  Some of us never got to return that affirmation to her, which is painful, but the meaningful thing was Connie extending unconditional love because she felt the desire to do so.  No strings attached.

We are never guaranteed another day, minute, hour, or second of life.  If only we could all learn to live in the moment, not rely on another day or hour to let that person know how we feel.  If only.  We could save ourselves heartbreak, guilt, or months, years, or days of wondering about the "what ifs."  What if they didn't know how much I cared, what if they didn't know how much I loved them, what if that person didn't know how much they meant to me?  The "what if's" will eat you up; they will crush you.  Believe me, you don't want that.

Coming from a family that was as cold as ice, it has always been difficult for me to express positive feelings.  The negative emotions flowed like blood.  I was damaged goods; I held back my verbal acknowledgment of love.  I screwed up a lot.  Some people have no idea how I felt about them.  I have tried to change. The illness and death of my son taught me many lessons.  I do try and tell those I care about how I feel.  But my grade is, Needs Improvement.

I go on record right now, I want my friends and family to know I love them.  You know who you are. (Yes, that is a copout,)  I barely have any family left; my 2 sons and my grandson are all that I have now.  I love them.  I have powerful feelings about some of my Facebook friends; if anything happened to them, I would be crushed.   I have some longtime friends that I love, Carrol and Mary from Dallas, and Mary K from school.  I also have strong feelings for others that I am attuned to through my journies in life.  Yeah, you know who you are, too.

But I didn't get to tell Connie that I loved her.  I believe she knew, but I didn't get to say it to her.  All I can do now is hope that she knew.  And that really bothers me.  When the weather has settled down in the spring, I will visit her and tell her how much she meant to me.  That's all that I can do now, and I will regret it eternally.  But, for now, this will have to do; I love you, Connie, and will miss you forever.  I'm sorry.